Feeling Happy? You Won't if You Read These Books...

Since I've been under house arrest, I've had ample time to catch up on my reading. I've had quite a bit of catching up to do- the last book I read was something by RL Stine back when the Fear Street series was popular.



In case you aren't familiar with books for young adults, that was a long time ago.



So I've started reading again and to make up for lost time, a lot of the books are considered "classics". Now, I don't know what qualifies a book as "classic". I think it's a proportion of how long the author's been dead to how boring the book is. But that's just my opinion.



Some of these books were boring. Some were hard to understand. A couple of them were halfway decent. Then there were a few that belong in a category all to themselves. It's these books that this post is dedicated to: Depressing books.



These books aren't just sad. When reading a sad book, most people tear up a little, but when they finish the book they feel richer for the experience. Not so with depressing books.



These are the books that stay with you long after you've finished them, like a particularly realistic nightmare. When a person has finished reading a depressing book they feel shell shocked and hollow. They don't feel richer after reading one of these evil books, they feel like opening up the medicine cabinet, taking out the razor blades and ending their misery.



What do I think makes a book depressing? I consider a book to be depressing if by the end there is not ray or even the slightest glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. When I put the book down and I feel like I've just witnessed a puppy being burned alive, I know that was a depressing book.



Here's my list of the most depressing books ever conceived and then put on paper. They're in no particular order:

• The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. It's about a Lithuanian family that immigrates to Chicago. The entire family dies from a combination of poverty, early twentieth century diseases, childbirth, evil, crooked and money obsessed society, being worked to death and just plain despair.

The protagonist is the only surviving member of this doomed family. He would have been better off had he died like the rest of his kin. But then the book would have been short about 200 pages and the author wouldn't have gotten his point across. I don't remember what his point was because by the end I just wanted to lie down and cry myself to sleep.

• Lolita by Nabokov. I don't remember his first name but considering the grim subject matter I'm surprised I even remembered the author's surname. It's about pedophilia. The main character sees a 12 year old girl, falls in lust with her and then begins to seduce the girl's mother in order to get closer to her daughter. The mother dies in an accident and that night he rapes the daughter.

He takes her on a cross country trip and he rapes her daily. He convinces himself she likes it. This goes on for two or three years when another pedophile takes the girl away. Another year or so passes and the girl leaves this other pedophile and marries a nice young man. She gets pregnant and she and the baby both die during childbirth. The girl was 17 years old. The first pedophile then kills the second pedophile because he blames him for the girl's death for some reason. The End.

• 1984 by George Orwell. It was a toss up between this or Animal Farm. I chose 1984 because it's longer by over 100 pages. That's a lot with a depressing book like this. It's about a future society that sounds a lot like Communist Russia. The date 1984 was 25 years ago but since this book was written about 40 years prior to it's title that makes it a future society. A man falls in love with a woman and they set out to change society in order to be together with help from a high ranking party leader.

Of course it's all an elaborate trap to weed out and dispose of potential traitors to the party. The man and woman are tortured to death by the very man who was to help them. Nothing changes and the man and woman are killed and then promptly forgotten about.

• Johnny Got His Gun by ?- I forgot who wrote this WWI nightmare. I guess it doesn't matter much. It's about a soldier in WWI who gets hit by a bomb while in a trench. The soldier loses both arms, both legs, and is rendered deaf and mute. Oh, and he's faceless too. Most of the book is this limbless, faceless, and speechless man having an internal dialogue with himself about how he wishes the doctors at the army hospital would just kill him.

The soldier decides to use Morse code to convey his wishes by banging his head on the frame of his hospital bed. No one notices except for a nurse. It doesn't matter though, because no one grants his wish. The book ends with him praying for death.

For some godforsaken reason this book was made into a movie. Clips from the movie were played in the music video for the Metallica hit One. The song was about this book, and yes, it's also depressing as hell.

• Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler. This book was dictated by Hitler to a writer when he was in jail in 1933 or 1934. It spells out all his prejudices and his "final solution" to the "Jew problem". Mein Kampf is pretty much a step by step guide to bring the Holocaust to fruition. It worked and that's why this book is so depressing.


• The Holy Bible by God, I guess. Not only is it a bitch to read and make sense out of, it has a bummer of an ending. Read Revelations to the end and then try to smile. Good luck with that.


• If I Did It by OJ Simpson and his ghost writer. A step by step guide to how OJ Simpson killed his wife, or how he would have done it had he been the murderer. Which of course he isn't. The book goes on to describe his ordeal and countless hassles the double murder of his ex-wife and her friend brought upon him. Boo-fucking-hoo. This book is depressing because he actually got away with it!

These are some of the most depressing books I've ever read. I realize I spoil the ending of each book I list. You're welcome.

If there are any depressing books that I you feel I overlooked, please post them in the comment box below. As for me I'm going to get a bottle of single malt scotch and drink until I can't feel feelings.

~MB~

FAQs

I realize that before I can expect you to donate your hard earned cash to me I will have to acknowledge your concerns and reassure you as to my intentions.



Hence, here is my FAQ page. Enjoy!





Q: Why should I give you any money?



A: I have thought about how I should answer this question. After much thought I've decided honesty is the best policy. You should give me money because I need and want it. And because I said "please".



Oh, I didn't say "please"? I'm pretty sure I did, but since I really can't be bothered to go back and double check I suppose I'll take you at your word. Will you give me money? Please?



Q: What will you spend your donations on?



A: That's a fair question. The answer is: I don't know. Whatever I need it for, I guess. I have a lot of expenses (refer back to Post 1: Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself for a few of them).



Whatever I end up buying I will post a picture of. If I buy a Betsy Johnson purse a snapshot of it will be loaded onto this blog within 24 hours. Likewise, if I get breast implants, I will post a picture of.....yeah, you guessed it!



Q: What and how often will you be posting new material?



A: You can expect postings on myriad of topics. This blog will be sorta like those variety shows that were so popular in the 70s, except it won't suck donkey dick.



As for how often I post new material, I can only say this: I can't promise I'll try, but I promise that I'll try to try. Okay?



Q: What's in it for me?



A: Oh, lots of things. Funny and somewhat original material posted for You, good reader, to enjoy at your leisure. There will be photos of the things I buy and frequent updates on how much money is in my Donation jar.



You'll also have the satisfaction of knowing that while you may not have donated to the worthiest of causes, your money will not be wasted. I have a long, long list of things to buy. And who's to decide what's makes a cause "worthy", anyway? Does the cause need to be sad or depressing to qualify as being "worthy"? Do I really need to answer that?*



Whatever you do decide to donate, know that while I'm buying designer shoes, imported cigarettes, or $100 boxes of chocolate truffles I will be thinking of you the whole time- that's a promise.**



Q: Can you shower in your ankle monitor? What about swimming? Since it's electric, won't you be electrocuted if it gets wet?



A: This is a common and profoundly stupid question. The monitor is water resistant so yes, I can shower in it. This question is a stupid one because it implies that I would go months without washing myself for fear of electrocution. Anyone who knows me also knows that I would gnaw off my own foot before I started to smell.



I can't swim or completely submerge the ankle monitor in water or any other liquid for that matter. I won't be electrocuted, but the monitor will break and then I'd have to buy a replacement. The ankle monitors are cruelly and insanely expensive. They cost more than a diamond anklet from Tiffany's. Seriously.



Q: If I choose to donate, what are my options? Do I have to donate to read posted material?



The best way to donate is by depositing funds into my PayPal account. There is a gold button at the top of the right sidebar. Press it. Enter an amount, any amount. Confirm it. There, you're done.



Your donation can be debited from your personal bank account, a business account or any credit card you choose.



If you feel uncomfortable about using PayPal, or any online payment system I will be opening a PO Box sometime in the near future. I'll post the address when I get it. Then you can send funds through the good ol' US mail.



One good thing about sending donations to my PO Box is you aren't limited to donating from your bank account. Not everyone has a bank account and these days that's wise. You can send cash, giftcards, money orders or items like DVDs, jewelry, or macaroni art.^



Really, I'll take whatever you want to give.



Q: I want to help you out, but I don't have much money.

A: First of all, that's not a question, it's an excuse and excuses doesn't buy me things or pay my bills. But these are tough times and I can understand your predicament. Here are some tips you can follow so you can still donate to me without breaking the bank.

• Instead of buying a tall, half-caff, mocha-latte-chino every morning on your way to work, drink freeze-dried Folger's instead and send the money you save directly to me. You aren't too good to drink Taster's Choice, are you? No, you aren't.


• Get thee to a pawn shop and hock a few valuables. Then send the money directly to me.


• If the idea of going to a pawn shop scares you (I admit, a lot of them are filled with lowlifes) just send whatever you were going to pawn directly to me. Don't do this until I have my PO Box though, which should be soon.


• If you are a child and you'd like to help me but you don't technically "own" anything, don't fret! Your parents/legal guardians probably have some pretty nice stuff, right? So box it up, and send it directly to me at my PO Box.^^When I get it, that is.


• Don't be afraid to shoplift!*^ If you go into a store wearing a What Would Jesus Do? shirt no one will ever suspect you. I know this from previous experience. Then send what ever you take directly to me at my PO Box. God, I really need to get on the stick about that, don't I?

Remember, It doesn't matter if you send $2.00 or $2,000 (although I would obviously prefer the two grand to the two dollars) just send something.

Oh, and you don't have to donate a cent to enjoy my blog. But if you suddenly feel an overpowering urge to press the "Donate" button and give me money, do it. I'll be glad you did.

Q: Are donations sent to you tax-deductible?

A: I'm not sure. However, since I'm not a charity, at least in the technical sense, I'm going to say "No." Ask an accountant to be sure. Whatever he/she says, don't let that influence your decision whether to donate or not.

Q: You sound like an awful, evil woman. Why should I help you? You probably deserve to rot in prison forever.

A: Whether I am an evil, awful woman or not is beside the point. I still have bills to pay and needs to satisfy. Last time I checked, I am a citizen of the United States of America. That means I'm Innocent until proven Guilty by a group of my peers.

It's called "Due Process," bitch. Look it up.

Q: Are you for real?

A: I'm as real as you are, quiz master.

~MB~

*No, I shouldn't have to answer that. And I'm not going to.

**This is not a promise

^Do not send macaroni art unless you are under the age of 10

^^Kids, do not actually do this. Unless there is absolutely no way you will get caught.

*^See above warning.

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

Hello!

I'm Madame Bitters and this is my blog Work: Why?

I started this blog for one reason and one reason alone: I need money.

You may be saying to yourself, "Why don't you go out and get a job, you lazy cunt?"

That's a fair question. Here's the answer: I had a job, several in fact. But the man, and by that I mean various law enforcement agencies and society in general told me I couldn't do them. The man said what I did for a living was wrong and illegal and bad and I was placed under house arrest. I now have one of those stylish ankle monitors that all the most fashionable celebrities wear. *

By now, you're probably wondering what I've done to bring the wrath of Johnny Lawman down upon me. I'm afraid I can't go into detail, per my team of attorney's advice. But I will say this:

• Those children who broke into all of those mansions were lying when they said I was the driving force, the "brains" behind their kiddie burglary ring. I did not organize them into a gang of vicious thieves, nor did I give them burglary tools or lessons in "breaking and entering".

• As for the charges that I was running a whorehouse, I can only shake my head in disbelief. It was a hostel for young immigrant women. Just because these young ladies are gorgeous and of questionable character is an unfortunate coincidence for me. I was also assured these women had their visas and were legally allowed to work in the United States.

There are also allegations from various male visitors to my hostel that soon after arriving they were hit over the head with a blunt object and knocked out. These men then go on to say that they came to in a desolate field outside of town, relieved of their clothes and wallets, and other valuables. This is simply untrue.

• I was not impersonating a police officer when I went to the county jail where my girls were being held. I was dressed as cop because I was hired by the station chief to do a striptease to boost employee morale. My "badge" said I was Officer Snatch, for fucks sake! As for the station chief's sudden "amnesia" about hiring me, I can only point out the obvious: that there is a conspiracy against me.

• As for the charges about that dead man in the passenger seat of my car, I can only say that it's not Abuse of a Corpse to dress and fully accessorize a dead body and then prop him up in the front seat so I can drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane. It's a traffic violation at most. I also have no idea how and under what circumstances he became deceased.

• That baggie of white powder in my carry-on luggage was to the best of my knowledge only baby powder. At least that's what the man who sold it to me said. As for the syringes, I am diabetic.

The idea, even the fleeting thought that I would organize a gang of Oliver Twist-esqe child thieves, run a brothel staffed by illegal immigrants who were ordered to assault and rob the clients blind and then even attempt to bust the girls out of jail by distracting the guards with a sexy dance for the sole purpose of keeping the girls from testifying against me is absurd!

As are the charges that I killed a man for the sole purpose of using his corpse to be eligible to drive in the HOV lane so I could make a speedy getaway to the airport with the intent of escaping justice and the accusation that I shoot heroin on occasion is ridiculous!

As OJ Simpson, another wrongly accused and legally persecuted individual said, "I am 100% Not Guilty." All of these charges will be answered and explained in court.

Until then, I have no money and many, many bills to pay. Including: lawyer bills, liquor delivery bills, lawyer bills, the rental on my ankle monitor, lawyer bills, the "Deals on Wheels" delivery guy, lawyer bills, QVC and HSN bills and lawyer bills.

I will be posting things regularly. It's not like I have anything else to do. Aside from endless strategy meetings with my lawyers and practicing my 'sincere' face.

There is a "Donate" button at the top of the sidebar. You can't miss it.

Do me a favor, will you? Press it and contribute to my cause.

Don't be an asshole :)

~MB~

*This and anything else I ever post may be a complete or partial fabrication!